Monday mornings are so hard for me!  (And I am sure they are for most people).  Mine has been especially hard considering my past weekend.  My weekend consisted of three parties, two of which were on the same day!  I threw my amazing best friend a surprise party on Thursday, and I had a wedding shower for my sister and a graduation party for a friend both on Saturday.  This does not include the mental stress and anxiety I had going on...

Life got hard, all of a sudden.  Everything seemed to be going great and then for no apparent reason I found myself slowly slipping back to a place I never wanted to go again.  A place of constant shame and insecurity.  A place of failure and disappointment.  It is not somewhere I want to be, ever!  I am so ready for certain lessons to be fully learned so that I never have to go back to that place.  But I have a feeling that lessons will always have to be learned.  Afterall, isn't that what life is about?  I just hate how I end up letting Satan attack me when I end up falling flat on my face--I think that's the hardest thing, and I've done a LOT of falling flat on my face.  What I cannot seem to do is just accept the fact that God has forgiven me.  I guess at times I feel so undeserving of His forgiveness.  What have I ever done to really deserve it? The answer is simple--I have never deserved it, yet He has so freely given it. 

My hardest lesson has been one God has been teaching for years now and I wonder if I'll get it.  It's a lesson in finding full satisfaction in Christ and only Christ.  A lesson in learning to find fulfillment in Him.  And this lesson has been difficult.  I have never been one to be really insecure about myself.  I used to take pride in the fact that I was so secure in God's love for me.  But maybe that was my downfall.  Maybe the fact I took pride in it and looked down upon other insecure girls is what brings me to this place of insecurity now.  Yes, I was an insecure little girl, but around age 12 I lost that insecurity and it has not revisited to that extent since, yet it comes to visit little by little.  I have absolutely no reason to look down upon myself.  God made me who I am and I cannot change the fact that I am short, look nothing like my siblings, or have skinny legs.  God made me--plain and simple, right?  Well, it should be.  But in the world we live in today, it's no wonder that any girl, no matter what shape or size or height, is insecure.  It's part of our culture--there is a certain way of looking to be considered beautiful, and those expectations are higher than the average American girl.  And I thought I was such a rebel of the "norm."  I could not stand girls who downed themselves constantly, who thought they were fat when they weighed 100 lbs, etc.  Yet here I am, as insecure as any girl.  Afraid of never being loved, afraid of never getting married and having that dream family, afraid of being alone period. 

I've heard it said that girls have 5 dreams: being loved, being cherished, being a bride, and so on.  And I guess that's me--no, I know that's me.  I want to be loved and cherished.  I want to be the constant center of attention of the one who loves me.  I want to feel like I'm the most wanted person in the world.  Funny how life doesn't always give us what we want.  But there is good news out of all this sadness: God is everything we have ever dreamed of ever wanting.  Max Lucado says it best, "God loves you.  Personally.  Powerfully.  Others have tried and failed, but God has tried and succeeded."  I do not think I have the quote exactly right, but the idea is there.  We get so caught up in finding the love we desire in others and end up getting disappointed, like me, but when we start looking for the love we desire in Christ, then we will never be disappointed.  No love is greater than that which Christ gives, and it has been proven time and time again.  I may not have anyone to really love and cherish me the way I need/want, but God does.  I may not be the center of attention of the one I love, but I am to God.  And I may not feel like I'm wanted, but God has always wanted me. 

One of these days I'll learn...and that day is going to be a sweet place of freedom.  One of these days I won't be held captive by my self's insecurities.  One of these days...well, maybe my earthly dreams will actually come true, but until then, I am learning to be content that my eternal dreams have already begun to come true. 

And what a sweet place of surrender it is going to be...

Spring 2008 is coming to a close, and a very welcomed one at that.  It has definitely been the easier semester of the two I have spent here at Radford.  I guess it's because I am now used to the fact that I will have no life if I want to do well in school. 

Last semester was so difficult for me.  My classes were a lot harder than expected, but I am glad they were.  Harder classes meant fully relying on God for everything--strength, knowledge, diligence, and so on.  Spiritually speaking, I did well last semester.  I can still remember verses God gave me and recite them often when I find myself stressing over an exam.  The only problem I have had this semester is overconfidence.  I have had a hard time finding the fine line between being confident in God's help and being confident in my own abilities.  Sometimes I let myself think that if I do not stress out over a test, then it will not motivate me to do well.  For me, the fear of the test helps me stayed focused.  But I hate that I am that way.  I want to be able to sit down before a test and only feel peace because God gave it to me, and not let the fear drive my outcome.  This semester I am learning the difference, but I do not feel I have learned it fully quite yet. 

Life Action has been here for two days now.  I missed last night because I had to do nursery, and I hate I missed it.  It seems like God started working the first day, not only with me, but with my whole church.  The only problem is that some people I know who are struggling or not in church aren't coming.  I even tried bribing one with brownies, but he has not come.  Good news, though, a friend of mine has been coming and we've been praying so long and hard for her to come.  God gets all the glory! 

Another piece of good news--yesterday I was sitting in Dad's office bored to death when God told me I needed to invite someone.  For a few minutes I struggled in my heart fearing rejection, but I decided to trust God with it and ask anyway.  I began praying about who God wanted me to invite, and I saw one of my friends was online.  I asked her and explained to her what was going on at my church.  She's a Christian and had been praying that God would bring some "Christian boost."  She wanted something like I had described and jumped at the opportunity to come.   My friend is, hopefully, coming tonight or tomorrow night and I am so excited!   She may be the first person I have had enough courage to invite and who accepted with eagerness!  Chills came as I thought about how God had orchestrated it all and decided to use little fearful me. 

Our first day of the summit went really well.  The first night we did the "Complete Spiritual"  and I scored worse than I thought in some areas, but better in others.  Haha.  I felt really convicted though.  I have lived a life of such pretense that it's scary!  What must God think of me?  Last night was on brokenness and I really really really hate I missed it.  I have always wondered what true brokenness looks like in the life of  believer.  Thankfully,  a friend of mine sent an email with her notes, but I still wished I didn't have nursery last night. 

Man does time fly!  I need to study for a quiz in Child Psyc...woo hoo. 

Much love, everyone